In a patriarchal society one might be aware of the narrative of how daughters are considered a 'burden', a load that family needs to 'unload' soon by marrying her off. But today I am not writing about this, but the mental burden that women shoulder by resisting patriarchy. I explore the burden of being a woman who is brewing a rebellion. As I write, I ask what happens to women who defy patriarchy and why some women do not resist patriarchy but instead perpetuate it consciously or subconsciously.
Patriarchy imposes control on women in families in many different ways. The 'value education' of patriarchy plays a key role in that control. This 'value education' is passed down by family, schools, neighbours, movies, etc. A key lesson this value education inculcates early on is that daughters are meant to listen and agree with the elders so they are more conforming, and submissive. They are meant to 'adjust', 'adapt' and 'fit-in' to the family, and the society. This ensures that patriarchy conditions women and men in the family to learn early on that women are not expected to have an opinion that is at odds with the male head of the family. This value education also dictates how women are meant to keep the 'honor' of the family by dressing in a particular way, by not exploring her sexuality and not indulging in sex before marriage, or finding a partner from the same caste, class and religion. The poster child of patriarchy is a woman who is obedient, submissive, non-opinionated (or not strongly opinionated), adheres to these 'values' with conviction, without questioning, and passes down these 'values' of patriarchy with dedication.
This value education is also passed down through movies, and the household conversations about what happened to the neighbour's daughter or the relative's daughter. We all know about those conversations that demean that relative's or neighbour's daughter whose character is in question because she is defying these 'values'. So, women in the family who listen to these conversation learn at a very young age that defying these values means 'you are an outcast, a person whose character is in question'. So, this makes sure that women are trained early on to be within these boundaries. Through this 'value education', patriarchy invokes 'fear', another key aspect that plays a role in imposing control on women. The fear of not being loved, not being respected, and becoming an outcast, or a person whose character is questioned, and shamed all become means to impose control.
So, what happens to women who defy these, women who break free from these so called 'values' set by patriarchy? Changing the status quo takes a big toll on women emotionally. Women who resist face the wrath from their own family, risk being not loved, not accepted, which we all seek as human beings. Women who defy these values, and decide to fight the patriarchal control for example, choosing what they want to wear, or exploring their sexuality etc., often have to fight the conditioning. But, does the conditioning ever go away?
Women who rebel patriarchy can also experience poor self-concept, and self-love, because we are all conditioned early on that defying these values means that you are not conforming to the set boundaries and are being 'disrespectful' to your elders. While defying these values of patriarchy takes toll on women, it is also empowering for those involved in this journey of change that requires tremendous support, courage, stamina, and determination.
As girls grow up they start noticing how patriarchy treats sons and daughters differently. The gendered roles become visible and are taught early on. The support from family to achieve certain aspirations vary significantly. Women grow up to realize how much perception of providing an education for women significantly differs from men in the family. Women are given education to increase the prospects of finding a good groom, and for being able to earn for the family, as an additional support or in case a tragedy hits the family. Whereas men in the family receive education since he will go on to become the prime earning member of the family. Women often struggle to justify their need for support from the family for higher education and some don't even aspire because patriarchy does not require you to be aspirational of receiving higher education that might empower you. In fact it becomes a threat to have woman who is fiercely independent. Patriarchy makes education of a daughter an expense whereas education of son an investment.
Daughters are often raised saying that they are going to be married one day to be a part of another family and take the responsibilities of the husband's family. In a patriarchal society, a daughter who is married off to another family is no longer seen as part of her parents' family and now belongs to husband's family. It starts with the woman taking husband's second name and prioritizing husband's family over her own. Patriarchy pushes families to disown women and 'send her off' to a new family. Patriarchy lets women to be treated like guests in their own house after marriage, while men continue to enjoy the love and affection of being a son. Women become distant from their own family, and are required to be a part of the husband's family with full dedication. And off course it goes without saying that, women who go on to achieve this gracefully receive adoration and love from both her own and her husband's family. All the training of being a 'good girl' so that the saga of patriarchy continues as she moves in with the husbands family.
Women who defy patriarchy as they grow up and choose to marry only go on to defy patriarchy further in both families, and it puts them into a constant mode of rebellion. Marriage only unfolds other parts of patriarchy that women need to defy. And women who resist, face emotional crisis because they do not necessarily agree with the concept of belonging to a different family after marriage and fight back the patriarchal expectations of being a 'good daughter', 'good wife' and 'good daughter-in law'. These women take up the complex task of defying as well as loving the people who mean to them. Navigating through these emotions in a patriarchal society is tough and some women face all the brunt in their fight for equality.
Why do women, even who are well read take upon themselves these values of patriarchy with such conviction? This question always lingered in me looking for answers. Recently, I came across an article titled 'Is it possible some women don't want to be free of patriarchy?' in the Hindu published in 2018, and this helped me find some answers to my question. It talks about the sense of 'protection' women perceive they receive staying within the realms of patriarchy. The article quotes, 'To be a free woman is to shrug off the dubious cloak of “protection” that patriarchy offers, which is its unique selling point for many women'. I think this explanation made sense to me, otherwise I really cannot fathom why some women who are well educated and privileged seem to adhere to these 'values' passed down by patriarchy. I also think that patriarchy has more selling points other than the false sense of security. It also lets women maintain 'status', 'power', and 'family wealth' by adhering, and also enjoy the love, and admiration from the head of the family, 'the male' and also other family members by being the poster child of the patriarchy. Defying patriarchy means losing all of these 'benefits', and the struggle for love and acceptance continues for women who defy. The fear of losing these perceived 'benefits' keeps some women within the realms of patriarchy and also perpetuate it to the next generation. The 'protection' of patriarchy and 'adoration' that you receive for being a poster child is too comforting to give up.
What patriarchy continues to perpetuate keeps evolving with society as people continue to fight for equality. For example, the strict gendered roles were an inherent part of patriarchy, but now things seem to change with men and women taking up roles that defy these gendered roles. However the characteristics of a woman who is a poster child of patriarchy continues to be the same. The one who continues to 'adjust' and be 'submissive' to her family, in-laws, society and adhere to the value structures set by patriarchy, and garners all the admiration and adoration. The women who defy carry the burden of changing the society from the shackles of patriarchy, while also struggling with the emotional toll it takes on them.
While there are several women out there who are making their ends meet and do not have the time and privilege to think or fight back patriarchy, for those of us who do have the privilege, why not reflect, resist, change, and be there for each other. I dedicate this is for women out there who are resisting patriarchy within their own capacity, bearing the emotional toll, and who are yearning for some self-love and love from those around them as they continue their fight for equality.
